I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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