It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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