it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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