if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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