I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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