Your face is a jimmy john
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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