I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
