You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
