You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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