2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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