My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
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There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!