Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far