While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..