Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.