I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
