I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
