I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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