Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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