Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
