My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wish I only lived at night.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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