ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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