Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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