I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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