I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
