FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
