I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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