After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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