Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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