I need to stop coming to work sober
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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