Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
