yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
