there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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