Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i think my cat just said my name.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
