ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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