My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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