I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
