and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
