I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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