it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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