Four minutes until I can fart!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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