Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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