i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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