Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
