i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
