I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
