Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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