I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
