Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
