They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
