It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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