What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
