Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
