I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i think im in europe. pls send help
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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