apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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