i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
