So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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