I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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