fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
