i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
3 2 1 whiskey
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
